Feeling Excited, Sad, and Scared

I’m back in Chicago. I finished my eight week internship at the National Housing Law Project, and will start a ten week internship at LAF here tomorrow. It was a great two months in the Bay Area, and now I’m looking forward to this next step.

This past weekend, I was busy unpacking my new place (my roommate, a true champ, moved my stuff for me while I was gone.) I was so busy with finding places to put my things that I haven’t had a chance to reflect. Now that I have some time, I realize something: I feel sad.

I feel sad because I feel homesick. I enjoy Chicago and love my community here, but California is still my home. My parents’ home in the Valley, friends’ apartments in Berkeley, the different communities I joined during my time there…I miss it.

I also feel sad and a bit scared because now I’m one step closer to 3L year, one step closer to graduation. While I’m looking forward to both those things, the uncertainty of not knowing the next step is difficult. I’m scared that I won’t have a job after graduation, that I will be a failure, that I’ll finish school with nothing to show for it. Of course, I know that (1) I don’t need to worry about getting a job, because of my experience and my school’s strengths; (2) my sense of self-worth is not defined by my job; and (3) a life of faith entails trusting in the uncertain places. But it doesn’t change what I feel.

I am tempted to try to shake off these feelings. But as I’ve learned from my counseling training (and learned again from watching Inside Out), it’s important to value all feelings. They’re all trying to tell me something.

So I say that, as I look to the future, I feel excited, sad, and scared. And that’s ok.

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